Christmas Vacation...

Well, it has been a few days since I posted, and to be quite honest I needed the break... I will try to catch you up on the happenings of our life... I decided after my last post that it would be my last (at least for awhile) of the "pouring out my heart" posts... I guess I just realized that there was indeed some closure for me in the funeral service, and in telling the story of it to the world...

So, the last post was the 22nd (Saturday)... I guess I should get you caught up...

December 23rd - We had a Christmas Party with Dawn's Grandpa and her aunts and uncles etc... It was a nice get together at Papio's (where we go most Saturday Nights after church) in their basement. The food was good, and it was nice to see that side of the family, because we don't see them very often. Of course there are a couple of funny stories :) Aunt Noni (Dawn's 89 year-old great aunt) gave the boys each a box with presents. The presents included a "toy" car that is actually a booze bottle. So, I pulled off the cap and sure enough the smell of whiskey was potent. Here is an ebay link of something similar whiskey car.

The other story needs a little background... We know the owner of Papio's (Greg) as an acquaintance, but his fiance's family (she has several brothers) we know quite a bit better than that. Dawn has taught a couple of them, and Scott (Dawn's brother) is good friends with another one. So, Robbie (Scott's friend) tells us this story... Apparently, when Greg was making the roast beef for our dinner he was remarking about how it was just like Emeril would make... Apparently, Shawn (fiance's brother that Dawn taught a few years ago) said, "Yeah, but I don't think that Emeril would be cooking in a Pizza Oven." It was pretty funny to us...

The other Christmas Party was at my mom's... It was a nice get-together with turkey and ham... The presents were good, and we played "Shout About Movies"...

December 24th - We ended up having a Christmas Party at our house, because it was decided last year that we wouldn't have another one at Dawn's Grandparents (hence, why we had the one at Papio's on the 23rd). We had ham, baked potatoes, and lots of party food. The party was nice, and we did our gifts with Dawn's Dad... Tommy did not want to go to sleep, so it was interesting getting "everything" done that night :) He actually got up at 11:30 PM, and came down crying to tell us about how he had been bad at gym class on Friday. He wanted to tell the truth before Santa Claus came.

Christmas - Santa came to our house, and left us a Wii, and Austin got some Playdoh... I got a nice new coat from Dawn, and some other gifts. It was a nice Christmas morning. We then went to Mass for 10 AM. Tommy fell asleep, and Austin was on the "verge" of being bad the whole time. After Mass we went to the cemetery to see Autumn, and Dawn's Grandma. Autumn had a Christmas Tree in addition to her wreath, and we found out later that Dawn's Mom had placed it there. It was the first trip to the cemetery for the boys, and the first for me since the funeral. It was nice to be there... We then went to my Dad's house for lunch. He had ham, and a beef tenderloin (which was awesome). We exchanged presents, and had a nice visit. The marathon was almost complete, and we headed to Dawn's mom's house. We exchanged presents, had dinner, and then Dawn and the boys did Karaoke on the PS2. We left early this year, so that we could get Tommy home and to bed. On the way home we drove through downtown to look at the Christmas lights like we do every year...

December 26th - Tommy had a Hockey clinic, so I spent the day in Midland while he attended that. We went home, and played the Wii all night. Austin loves to play boxing... He drops the Nunchuck out of his right hand (because of his cerebral palsy) during every round. It is so cute to watch him play though...

December 27th - I am at the Midland Arena again today, and using their wi-fi to make this post :)

I hope everyone had a Merry and Blessed Christmas...

Peaceful and Dignified...

I couldn't write this post yesterday... So, let's see how it goes this morning...

I woke up about 4 AM yesterday attending the impending funeral, and Dawn was awake shortly after that. We decided to go to mass at 8:30 after we dropped the boys off for school, and I am glad that we did. It was nice to be at church rather than at home waiting for 10 O'clock when family would begin arriving at our house. After church I was extremely nervous... I paced the floor, double and triple checked the camera, sat down, stood up, took my shoes off, put them back on, it was just horrible. My Dad arrived first, and at some point I had to show him the footprints, and hand prints, because he needed to know she is real, and he hadn't had the chance to see any of that yet. The parents had all arrived by 10:10, and that in itself is always stressful for me, because my parents went through a "bitter" divorce. The tension was intense, but I really didn't care, because I needed them to be there for me, and they committed to being there 31+ years ago when they decided to have me... Dawn's parents still work together, and they have found the ability to be together without the added tension. At 10:15 it was time to head to the service... We headed out the door, and everyone followed Dawn and I in our little "funeral procession"...

When we pulled in everyone else was already there including Rich (Funeral Director), Father Bill Priest), Sister Tereska (Our Pastoral Associate), Ray (the Cemetary person). We stepped out, and Rich met with us to finalize a couple of details. He then directed our parents to the area where they needed to stand, and told them we would join them in a moment. They had done a wonderful job, because the entire area was plowed, and they had lots of green indoor/outdoor carpet set out for us to stand on. Dawn and I received a hug from Fr. Bill, and Sr. Tereska, and then it was time to begin. We walked up to Rich near the funeral van, and inside the door lay the little pink casket. I handed Rich the camera, and he handed me the casket. I turned to Dawn, and offered my arm to grab onto (a side story: on our Wedding Day after we were presented as Mr. and Mrs. I turned to her offered my arm, and said Mrs. Papesh, before we headed down the short aisle, and started the long journey of life.). So, there I was carrying the 18" casket with Dawn on my arm to the cemetery plot. I don't remember what I was thinking, but I thought I heard my mom cry, "Oh Joe"... I knelt and placed her in front of her burial spot, and then took off my glove kissed my hand near the tops of my fingers and then placed that "kiss" onto her casket. I stepped back next to Dawn, and again we latched arms.

I can't tell you anything that Father Bill said, but I know that it was peaceful, and provided comfort. The service was short, but it was perfect. We had purchased a wreath with a spray of roses set inside of it (I think I already told you there were 10 pink and 2 white). The wreath had the little ribbons that say, "Sister, Daughter, and Grand-Daughter". The service concluded, and we thanked Father and Sister for being there... I took a couple of pictures that I might post someday... Then I went through the line of our parents and gave them each a hug... I remember that my Dad said, "it'll be ok" as he hugged me... (another side story: We have had some tough times in our relationship, but having sons has really changed my opinion on the type of relationship I want to have with my own Dad... I guess I am growing up. He doesn't know this, but for this baby he was going to be my "guy"... Dawn was pretty much guaranteed to have a c-section, and they usually put her completely under. I didn't want to sit on the bench alone again, because when Austin was born I sat there by myself. I watched the operating door swing open, and could see my wife laying there completely out of it. I felt helpless, and I was going to have him be there for me, because I didn't want to do that again.) He isn't normally very affectionate, but that hug yesterday felt pretty good coming from my "guy".

The service had ended, and Dawn piped up to say, "That we would like everyone to join us at Papios for lunch". I am so glad she did, because again I was pretty shook up... Rich informed us that we needed to meet him for a minute at the funeral home, and then we could join them. We got in the van, and we were so happy because the service was nice and a dignified tribute to our Daughter. We met with Rich (who was awesome through everything), and then headed over for lunch. We were nervous about how lunch would go, but it was great, and we hugged everyone as they departed. My Mom gave us a nice poem she had written for Autumn as we left Papios...

We got home, and continued to talk about how nice everything was, and how it was just perfect... We went to Saginaw, and dropped off the roses, so that we could get a paper-weight made for each of our parents, the boys, and ourselves. We then headed to Bronner's in Frankenmuth, and purchased our Autumn bulb for our tree, and another one that says, "You may be missing me, but I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year".

We got home again, and then decided to attend my work Christmas Party at Genji (Japanese Steakhouse)... I think Dawn over did it a little yesterday, and I am sure it was hard on her to go with me last night, but I really needed it. I needed to get away, be with friends, and have a few laughs... I didn't want to be a downer, and I don't think we were... We got home, and everybody went to bed. I woke up at 6 AM this morning, and was dreaming I was at Autumn's funeral service again.

Tommy has a hockey game today, and this morning I want to go to the cemetery, but we will see how it all turns out... I cried lots of tears writing this, and Dawn got up a few minutes ago... I think I will go wrap some presents...

Christmas Program...

In case you didn't notice we are Catholic... While we normally aren't "in your face religious people" the situation with Autumn Rose sure has me feeling like our religious beliefs have been vigorously expressed lately...

Well, tonight was the annual Christmas Program for the school that the dynamic duo attend and Dawn teaches at. Before I tell you how it went, I have to say that if you haven't investigated religious education options for your children then you should really take a step back, re-evaluate your life goals and ask yourself why that isn't important to you. There really is nothing better than watching children expressing the wonderful story of Christmas! Sorry for the rant... Austin did great with all the little pre-schoolers, and didn't sing "We wish you a happy poopy". Yes, he has a potty mouth, and we are working on it, so we were a little apprehensive of how he would do. Luckily, he put on his shyness, and stood there like the little man with his vest and tie. Tommy (the golden boy) was Shepherd #1, and that part consisted of 6 lines of interactive dialog. He did excellent! I was so proud, because you could hear him, and he spoke with inflection and emotion. Man he did great!

The program was dedicated to Dawn... They had stopped doing the Christmas Program before she started teaching there, so she started it up again, and she always does quite a bit of work on it every year. It was nice to have her sit with me as a Mommy instead of running around making it all come together. Of course she had a gazillion hugs (and she deserves every one of them)... I think it was good for her to see her students, and for them to see her. It is all part of the healing process...

So, you are probably learning that I am sappy :) I sat there watching the older girls doing the dance that Dawn created in our living room (she always busts out her youthful dancing abilities to create the choreography), and I couldn't help but well-up with sadness. Autumn won't be up there someday doing the corny dance that her mom had created. Then my eyes drifted down and I saw my blond-haired miracle (Austin - long story) sitting there with pretzel legs (indian style must not be PC anymore) and thanked God for all the blessings in my life. The range of emotions is so crazy.

We scheduled a small grave-side service for Autumn Rose tomorrow at 10:30 AM. We got her a pretty pink casket, and she is going to be placed at the foot of Dawn's cemetery plot. We ordered 2 white roses representing the boys, and 10 pink ones for her. So, you might think we are "over-doing" it, and I want to share my thoughts on that... It is a big decision to have a child, and especially after what we went through with Austin (still a long story, but know that it is a blessing that he is here with us). We had all those apprehensions about going through that situation again, can we afford another child, do we have enough time, can we love them enough etc... So, when we decided it wasn't just "hey what the heck" it was a commitment to work through all those issues. The level of that commitment didn't end when we were told she was sick, or even when her heart stopped. That level of commitment means doing whatever it takes to be and do the best for your children. So, tomorrow morning we will stand there with our parents and mourn the loss of that beautiful baby that we committed so much to. She is real because we saw her, we held her, we watched her heart beat several times on the ultrasounds, Dawn felt her kicks, we mourned her, and in the morning we will lay her to rest...

Back to work...

I am at work today... Some would think that this is too soon, but it feels good to be here... I love to work, and I need to be with friends here at the office. Dawn and I slept great, and I called the boys this morning to wish them a great day at school. So, everybody else is all set, and I just need to climb back on that roller-coaster of life :)

So, here I am at work... Of course, I did bring a hanky (sp?), because I will probably need it at some point today :)

Have a Great Day!

Home Sweet Home

We just got home about 7 PM EST... The boys are spending the night at Grandma's house, so Dawn and I can get a good night sleep. She was watching Days of Our Lives, and just fell asleep on the couch, so I think we made the right decision. We are going to call the boys around 9 PM, and then we are going to head to bed...

See ya,
--Joe

The Healing Begins...

Autumn Rose was born at 10:30 AM this morning, and it was a little crazy because Dawn had a contraction, and she just came out. We called the nurse, and then they had to page the doctors etc...

We were really apprehensive about looking at her, because the cystic hygroma, and hydrops meant that she was going to be somewhat deformed potentially. The doctor encouraged us to look at her, and then explained what we were in for. He showed her to me, and I am so glad that I didn't chicken out. They placed her on a pillow, and she was with us for about 2 and a half hours. We took lots of pictures and admired her little fingers and toes that were just perfect. She did have quite a bit of fluid around her body, and the hygroma was very large behind her little head. She would have fit in the palm of my hand, but we didn't pick her up, because she seemed so fragile. It was nice to see her at peace laying there so still on the pillow.

I got pretty upset a few times... I think men in general struggle with the whole reality of the fact that your wife is actually pregnant. She wasn't big enough for me to feel her kick, and while Dawn was showing, she wasn't that big yet, so I think it hit me all at once. Yes, Dawn was pregnant, and yes that little heartbeat had stopped... We really took our time, and now have said our, "goodbye". We plan on having a small intimate service with our Priest, and then have her buried in St. Elizabeth's Cemetery on some plots that we need to purchase. She was with us today, and we will be with her again someday...

Before today I hadn't cried that much, but that darn Tommy got me last night when we were telling him that he had to go to Grandma's house, and that the baby had died etc... He says, "Jesus got a present already", and I had to leave the room.

So, now the healing begins, and there will be more tears and sadness, but we are at peace that she isn't suffering, and thankful for all the blessings in our life...

Time to get up...

We made it through the night fairly un-eventful... Dawn had some contractions, but not too much pain, so that is good. They are going to let her have breakfast, and get a shower before they give her more medicine.

Here we are...

Well, we are at the Hospital... We went to the Dr. today and Autumn Rose is no longer with us. So, we are here to begin the induction process. I will try to keep you posted...

Spring Widgets...

FYI - I found this cool thing to add to my blog, and wanted to share....

http://www.springwidgets.com/

Merry Christmas!

So, we wait...

I guess I have turned into a weekly poster, so here it is...

Family
We have another Dr. appointment on Tuesday afternoon, so we are waiting to see what happens on that front. If everything stays the same then it is fairly safe to say that our life won't get turned upside down this week. In the meantime, I have been working on wrapping all the Christmas presents, so we are ready just in case it gets crazy. The boys are definitely getting excited as we are waiting for Christmas to get here.

Tommy had another great hockey game on Friday Night, so that was exciting. Yesterday, I went shopping for Dawn with Tommy and Theo (my brother). Tommy then had to meet his Hockey Team at a retirement home where they showed a video of one of their games, and interacted with the residents. It was really a nice experience, and I am glad we were able to participate.

I guess there isn't too much else going on, so I will keep this post short :)

Early Sunday Morning

Family
Tommy continues to play great hockey! He had a game today, and afterwards, Austin and I went out shopping, and bought a Christmas present for Tommy, because Dawn and Tommy went shopping for Austin and I :) (man that was a bad run-on sentence) I am looking for ideas for Dawn. Let's face it, she has me, and after that...what else is there :)

Dawn saw a picture of a baby born with a cystic hygroma, and it shook her up pretty bad. We are doing well, but the reality is that like anything in life it is hard to have patience. The Midwife asked us how we were doing the other day, and I mentioned that we both know there is another wave coming, and are as prepared as we can be for when that happens. It still suxorz to be waiting for impending doom & gloom...

We had a Christmas Party with the Knights of Columbus tonight, and it was a very nice dinner, and fellowship.

Work
I implemented transcoding last night on our Cisco Phone System. It was fairly easy to do, and it seems to be working for our remote users. We needed transcoding to allow out remote employees that utilize G.729 codec to talk to our IPCC (ACD Groups) that only supports G.711. The rest of our devices can negotiate the available codecs at the time of connection, but IPCC requires G.711 or G.729 at the time of initial install, and can only use that codec going forward.

I also just finished the Dennison Surveys. I feel like I provided honest, and objective feedback to everyone that I could. It will be interested to see how the results get interpreted, and acted upon. I hope they are anonymous, because I have standards higher than most people...

Merry Christmas - I need to do a post about this whole Happy Holiday, Merry Christmas thingy, but I am too tired tonight.

--Joe

Another Update...

Family

Tommy had two Hockey Games this past weekend and is just doing wonderful. We are so proud of him. I made it a point as part of my Time Management stuff to sit down with Austin, read to him, and snuggle, and boy did we enjoy that last Friday evening.

Saturday the 1st, Tommy and I headed up to Camp Rotary in Clare, MI to attend Tiger Cub Day Camp. We had a great time! The rest of his Den is going up this weekend, so we ended up with some nice people from Frankenmuth. You may not know this, but I am an Eagle Scout, and I worked for a summer up at Camp Rotary between my Sophomore and Junior year of High School. It was a great experience, and being up there for the day with my son was just wonderful.

Sunday we started with Hockey, and then headed out for the Family Christmas Tree. It was raining and crappy, so we wimped out, and bought a pre-cut, but the Frasier Fir is now decorated beautifully in our living room. Austin really enjoyed decorating this year, so it was good family time.

Work

We are still having a few faxing issues, so I am throwing in the towel, and ordering 2 POTS lines from ATT tomorrow. We also have all kinds of craziness with regards to some 360 Peer Reviews that we are doing. I have been signed up for 3 of them including my Supervisor, and 2 Peers. I am not excited about doing them, because I take reviewing somebody's performance extremely serious. I will end up spending hours completing these, because I will strive to be as thorough and as objective as possible. Oh well, I didn't ask to review them, they asked me, so hopefully they can take it when I "light them up" :P

Miscellaneous

Nothing too exciting here, except that I am trying to get into Picassa a little, and my work laptop seems to be having issues lately. Also, I am going to try and post some pictures for you :)